Moar liek diablo-rrhoea, Amirite?*

DIABLO III
A non Diablo-ectic look at diablo 3.

 Let me start this review off with a little story. Once upon a time there was man called Burrhus Frederic Skinner, he wanted to grow up and become a professor in psychology, so he did. But that wasn't enough because much like his influences before him, he needed something else, something more. So he decided to create a box, not an X-box, not an match box just a regular old box. What was peculiar about this box was that inside it was a button and dispenser. What did he do with the said box? He stuck a bird in it and as it familiarised itself with its surroundings, it discovered the button and naturally due to his curiosity, it pressed the button.

 What happened next, you ask? Well a treat popped out for the bird consume, the bird ,hungry for more, soon realised that the button had a connection with the treats coming out and proceeded to repetitively press the button in hope that he would receive food, he had been conditioned to press the button.

 Thus B.F.Skinner discovered Operant conditioning: Learning through the results of rewards and consequences and the first hack and slash, action adventure game had been created. Yes, you, you lot who have played this game are comparable to a bird in a box pushing a button in monotony.You dumb bunch of blundering bird brains.

Didn't think I'd find this picture of you, did ya?

Now what exactly is  a Diablo? Well, you see that big demon on the front of the box? Yeah, that's a Diablo apparently, a little intimidating, no? After some intensive research**, it turns out he/she/it wants to kill us all.
**(actual conversation: [Meanwhile on alderaan] ME:Yo Jimmeh!!!, I presume this big old demon on the box is Diablo, and I suppose that it wants to kill us all, is that right?" "Probably."-Jimmy 2014 Vote 4 President,)

  Yes ,as you have guessed I haven't played this game much, because I have a attention span this long: "-" and all the grinding and filler would make me shoot a goat with the pickle. Yes, I'm sure it has an excellent story and I'm sure it's got interesting Diablo-gue but if I wanted a long arduous task in exchange for a decent story I'd read the Odysseys. I'd get all the game-play through actually trying to figure out what half of the mess is supposed to mean and it features proper dual wielding with trying to read the book in one hand and looking up the words in a dictionary in the other.

 As for the story in a very brief nutshell for dummies w/o the Diablo-gram, big baddies locked up by voodoo wizard monks and arch-angel Tyrael, big baddies freed later and feel very insecure so Diablo Diablolically possesses the Burger King. Burger Kings son Diablo-gnoses his disease as the Crazy persons disease and he kills the Burger King. But he didn't know that crazy person disease was Diablo-dermic and caught it himself. He frees the other baddies: Baal and Mephisto and the good guys find that out the hard way by arriving too late and having to seal Mephisto.

 The good guys travel to hell and lay the smack-down on Diablo. Then the good guys travel to Arreat and  find out that one of the bad guys ,Baal, had corrupted the world-stone (lolwut?) so archangel Tyrael decided to lay the smack down on the world-stone, sadly Tyrael was only trained in the art of predatory martyrdom and ended up blowing up the mountain as well as himself and Baal to the bone. Now it is up to you to save the day or whatever...

 Diablo 3 uses a hybrid of an overhead/isometric view, the art style is very nice and you can tell that they worked very hard on all of it from the autumn trees to directional blood splatters, a fantastic job overall. The particle effects are my personal favourite with those beams and blades coming out in a varying types of colours, shapes and sizes.

 The music produced for this game is very captivating and there seems to be a piece for every occasion whether it be hunting down the hiding demon lord Belial, meeting the arch-angel Tyrael or facing off against Diablo herself. It's epicness is enough to knock the wind out of anybodies Diablo-phragm.

 As you can most probably tell I don't enjoy these types of games as I do not feel enjoyment out of comparing trousers or beating on small mobs and I do not know why, I enjoy dynasty warriors in which you have to beat endless wave of goons but maybe it's the view that has got me, I think I prefer having the camera either behind or as the person as I feel more involved rather than just looking down upon people.

Is it worth the purchase? I'm not sure, I feel that this game is a sufferer of the Marmite curse where-in you must love it or hate it, there is no middle ground. So I can't say if it's any good or not, the only way to see is to play it or try Path of Exile which plays similarly to the 2nd Diablo game for small price of nothing. Only other thing I can do is tell you is the price of it, with that being £30-£50 for consoles or if you are a possessor of the fabled PC an adequate amount of £15-20 pound seeing as it is almost 2 YEARS*** old now. ***I'm not going to sugar coat it in case you suffer from Diablo-betes.

* because it's crap, Huehuehue!

http://www.english-for-students.com/dia.html- for your translating pleasure....

Hand of DOOM

"It's not all Doom and Gloom."

 Now if you've been a good little boy/girl/thing, you would've noticed that I have already reviewed Quake 3, which is coincidently made by the same developers that made DOOM, the difference being that Quake 3 allows you to move and turn on a third axis, in fact I don't even think Doom Guy has any idea of what his feet look like due to the neck brace he has had on since birth.

 Yes, I know Doom introduced worldwide the greatest thing since sliced bread, but it doesn't excuse the fact that it is really outdated mechanics wise. Now I'm not bashing it, it was great for it's time. No, in fact it was the best of its time, but I refuse to believe it can hold a candle to what is being produced nowadays and I don't even like modern FPS'seseseses.(exception to the rule: TF2 ,PRAISE GABEN, It's Hatacular!!)

 May I go onto the visuals? No? TOO BAD. As I was saying the game is full of dull greys and browns(one of the bad traits picked by modern games in my opinion) although here they actually make sense, since you are traversing through hell itself. The sprites themselves are very detailed and look awesome especially the glow on them shown when enemies are launching fireballs and firing weapons. I, myself am not too fond of shooting 2D sprites as I feel like I'm shooting cardboard characters but I do really like those found in DOOM. Another feature I like is the face found on the HUD as it is a unique way of showing how hurt your character is as well as giving you a template for immersion.


 As for the sounds well they were done by the legendary Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails, creators of the likes of: Hurt, Just like you imagined and the Hand that feeds. So, yeah they're pretty good. The first levels music is extremely memorable and even if someone doesn't know the game itself they're most likely to have heard it somewhere.

 The game by itself it is somewhat fun, but obviously most of what it provides has already since been used by recent games in a more polished format as they have had like 20 years to steal ideas from it. What makes it really fun though, are the mods such as Brutal Doom where you can shoot demons full of holes before ripping their heads off with brand new animations and a polished HUD, this is definitely worth getting if you have DOOM as it makes it ridiculously fun when exploring the vast levels

  On top of this you can use the mouse for controls and it removes the Doom Guy's neck brace allowing him to move his neck for the first time in god knows how long, he will appreciate the download of this mod and so will you. Unfortunately, this is a review of DOOM not Brutal Doom so put it back on Doom Guy. No, put the brace back on this is a review about Doom not Brutal Doom. Good boy.

 Should you buy it? This is the part you're most interested in, a quick summary. So here we go, Doom is an ok FPS that is undeniably outdated, it looks good and it has good ideas although the overall feel of the controls are not what I'm looking for. I'd say it is worth a purchase if you're looking for some nostalgia as you can get it in a bundle with it's sequel for £10 on steam, although honestly I'd wait till it's on sale. Definitely recommend you get the Brutal Doom mod as that takes the game-play and the controls, and dials them up to eleven.

"Only Doom dares to dream! All others serve!"--- Doctor "Victor Von" Doom

"Doom" Metal tunes still screaming, driving me insane
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train.

Teenage Mutant Naruto Turtles

Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3

Heroes with a flame spell, Ninja Storm!!!

You should subscribe to this guy, he's pretty good.

  For many aeons humanity hath pondered existence and it's meaning, sending many of it's greatest minds such as Archimedes, Stephen Hawking, Galileo even Monty Python to search for an answer, some have gotten close but not a single soul has found the answer so far. 

  Nor have they found at the answer to questions to equally important questions such as “Which are better, Ninjas or Pirates?”, “Why can't I turn into a giant mutant octopus warrior”, “Is Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 any good?” or more importantly “Why haven't I turned over all my possessions to Calum, who is obviously more suited to hoarding my beloved valuables?”.

But worry not child for I have the power to enlighten you and use it I shall not, although the answers to these questions are as follows:

1. Ninjas are better, pirates have been reduced to fat sweaty nerds living in their parent's basement, jerking to 2D women and lurking across murky websites full of NSFW content.
2. You can't transform into a giant mutant octopus warrior? This is what separates me from you filthy peasants, I've doing it since I was 6 months old. But don't worry however because with this game you can.(pssst.... this is a game review,)
3. This comes later....
4. You are a tight git with no sense of charity but hopefully you will come to your senses sometime after reading this review, Mr.Scrooge.

Power Rangers: Ninja storm~, is a ninja fighting game in which you have to play from a range of ninja characters and fight ninja battles to the ninja death. These ninjas have a variety of ninja tools at their ninja disposal such as ninja sealing tags, ninja smoke bombs and ninja bubble blowers. They also have cool ninja jutsus* that range from blast smalls balls of light to turning into a spiky ninja ball and smashing the ninja ground beneath like some sort of ninja hedgehog.

They also have a blue meter which measures their “not magic” chakra, which allows to pull crazy stunts like turning into a giant mutant OCTOPUS warrior!!!**

Unlike the blocking found in most fighting games, in Ultimate Lumberjack Storm Tres you instead ninja tele-port leaving a block of ninja wood in your ninja wake.

*jutsues, jutsoup, Jutsi?

** I said you could, didn't I?

Furthermore, there are awakenings that transforms your ninja character into a awesome superior not-so ninja form and ultimate jutsu finishers accompanied with unique animations and cut-scenes for that special extra touch ninja badass-ery.

That is a squid. Also wrong game.

The art style will obviously have to look cartoon-ish as it is based of an anime/manga series so not much can be said there, the ninja stages have a fair amount of ninja variety ranging from ninja forests to ninja swamps to ninja temples to ninja villages although I do find the villages a little lacking in life ninjas. The ninja graphics themselves are nice and smooth as a ninja but to be honest fighting games aren't made for excellent graphics, they're generally more about the game-play ninjas.

The soundtrack is pretty damn cool and atmospheric, which is very important I find in fighting games as it sets the mood for the battle. The sound effects themselves are wholly suitable for the artistic style of the game, although some people may find all the grunting off putting.

If you let yourself get swept away in all this over the top mega-ninja action then your gonna have a good time, whether it be knock seven ninjas bells out of noobs online or engaging in some crazy ninja boss battle against a giant flaming fox boss in the story mode.

You've most probably noticed the lack of a mention about a plot so far, (if you haven't skip this paragraph since it was a very descriptive piece of text worthy of the Oscars) that is because I didn't play the story mode and to be honest if I did play it, I most probably wouldn't understand much of it unless I have had prior knowledge of this series before. This is fine, much like other franchise based games, the game is not supposed to teach me all about naruto, that is what the anime is for, it's target audience are naruto fans. So this review is mostly about Ultimate Ninja Storm not as a naruto game but as a fighting game and as a fighting game it plays very well.

All in all I'd have to say that this game is worth the £20 price tag (varies), if not for the ninjas story then for the crazy ninjas fun you'll be getting by beating the crap out of ninja scrubs with your fancy ninja moves before turning into a crazy octopus monster and wiping the floor with the remains of his ninja honor.

Ninjas, ninjas, ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjasninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas.......

As for my favourite character, I suppose you could call him the BEES KNEES!!!
Hueh, heh, heh, heh.

~ I'm not kidding it is real: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTQBDLGJgjE