THE YAHWG QUICKIE

YAWHG

 A multiplayer centred choose your adventure game, where-in you choose your activity for the week and engage in events where your decisions and stats can determine what results you leave with. After 6 of these weeks a disaster happens to the town and each player must allocate themselves to a job, towards rebuilding the city. How high your certain stat is determines how effective you are at the job that you chose.

 These make for unique adventures filled with their own mysteries, which can be played over again for different experiences, although after so long the element of surprise fades away and the game loses its shine.

  It is a very colourful game, which makes for a fun adventure to go on with your friends. But I wouldn’t make it a main go to for when your friends come over as it gets very boring when you’ve completed it 2-3 times due to knowing most of the routes.

 

2/5 shekels

Moar liek diablo-rrhoea, Amirite?*

DIABLO III
A non Diablo-ectic look at diablo 3.

 Let me start this review off with a little story. Once upon a time there was man called Burrhus Frederic Skinner, he wanted to grow up and become a professor in psychology, so he did. But that wasn't enough because much like his influences before him, he needed something else, something more. So he decided to create a box, not an X-box, not an match box just a regular old box. What was peculiar about this box was that inside it was a button and dispenser. What did he do with the said box? He stuck a bird in it and as it familiarised itself with its surroundings, it discovered the button and naturally due to his curiosity, it pressed the button.

 What happened next, you ask? Well a treat popped out for the bird consume, the bird ,hungry for more, soon realised that the button had a connection with the treats coming out and proceeded to repetitively press the button in hope that he would receive food, he had been conditioned to press the button.

 Thus B.F.Skinner discovered Operant conditioning: Learning through the results of rewards and consequences and the first hack and slash, action adventure game had been created. Yes, you, you lot who have played this game are comparable to a bird in a box pushing a button in monotony.You dumb bunch of blundering bird brains.

Didn't think I'd find this picture of you, did ya?

Now what exactly is  a Diablo? Well, you see that big demon on the front of the box? Yeah, that's a Diablo apparently, a little intimidating, no? After some intensive research**, it turns out he/she/it wants to kill us all.
**(actual conversation: [Meanwhile on alderaan] ME:Yo Jimmeh!!!, I presume this big old demon on the box is Diablo, and I suppose that it wants to kill us all, is that right?" "Probably."-Jimmy 2014 Vote 4 President,)

  Yes ,as you have guessed I haven't played this game much, because I have a attention span this long: "-" and all the grinding and filler would make me shoot a goat with the pickle. Yes, I'm sure it has an excellent story and I'm sure it's got interesting Diablo-gue but if I wanted a long arduous task in exchange for a decent story I'd read the Odysseys. I'd get all the game-play through actually trying to figure out what half of the mess is supposed to mean and it features proper dual wielding with trying to read the book in one hand and looking up the words in a dictionary in the other.

 As for the story in a very brief nutshell for dummies w/o the Diablo-gram, big baddies locked up by voodoo wizard monks and arch-angel Tyrael, big baddies freed later and feel very insecure so Diablo Diablolically possesses the Burger King. Burger Kings son Diablo-gnoses his disease as the Crazy persons disease and he kills the Burger King. But he didn't know that crazy person disease was Diablo-dermic and caught it himself. He frees the other baddies: Baal and Mephisto and the good guys find that out the hard way by arriving too late and having to seal Mephisto.

 The good guys travel to hell and lay the smack-down on Diablo. Then the good guys travel to Arreat and  find out that one of the bad guys ,Baal, had corrupted the world-stone (lolwut?) so archangel Tyrael decided to lay the smack down on the world-stone, sadly Tyrael was only trained in the art of predatory martyrdom and ended up blowing up the mountain as well as himself and Baal to the bone. Now it is up to you to save the day or whatever...

 Diablo 3 uses a hybrid of an overhead/isometric view, the art style is very nice and you can tell that they worked very hard on all of it from the autumn trees to directional blood splatters, a fantastic job overall. The particle effects are my personal favourite with those beams and blades coming out in a varying types of colours, shapes and sizes.

 The music produced for this game is very captivating and there seems to be a piece for every occasion whether it be hunting down the hiding demon lord Belial, meeting the arch-angel Tyrael or facing off against Diablo herself. It's epicness is enough to knock the wind out of anybodies Diablo-phragm.

 As you can most probably tell I don't enjoy these types of games as I do not feel enjoyment out of comparing trousers or beating on small mobs and I do not know why, I enjoy dynasty warriors in which you have to beat endless wave of goons but maybe it's the view that has got me, I think I prefer having the camera either behind or as the person as I feel more involved rather than just looking down upon people.

Is it worth the purchase? I'm not sure, I feel that this game is a sufferer of the Marmite curse where-in you must love it or hate it, there is no middle ground. So I can't say if it's any good or not, the only way to see is to play it or try Path of Exile which plays similarly to the 2nd Diablo game for small price of nothing. Only other thing I can do is tell you is the price of it, with that being £30-£50 for consoles or if you are a possessor of the fabled PC an adequate amount of £15-20 pound seeing as it is almost 2 YEARS*** old now. ***I'm not going to sugar coat it in case you suffer from Diablo-betes.

* because it's crap, Huehuehue!

http://www.english-for-students.com/dia.html- for your translating pleasure....

Hand of DOOM

"It's not all Doom and Gloom."

 Now if you've been a good little boy/girl/thing, you would've noticed that I have already reviewed Quake 3, which is coincidently made by the same developers that made DOOM, the difference being that Quake 3 allows you to move and turn on a third axis, in fact I don't even think Doom Guy has any idea of what his feet look like due to the neck brace he has had on since birth.

 Yes, I know Doom introduced worldwide the greatest thing since sliced bread, but it doesn't excuse the fact that it is really outdated mechanics wise. Now I'm not bashing it, it was great for it's time. No, in fact it was the best of its time, but I refuse to believe it can hold a candle to what is being produced nowadays and I don't even like modern FPS'seseseses.(exception to the rule: TF2 ,PRAISE GABEN, It's Hatacular!!)

 May I go onto the visuals? No? TOO BAD. As I was saying the game is full of dull greys and browns(one of the bad traits picked by modern games in my opinion) although here they actually make sense, since you are traversing through hell itself. The sprites themselves are very detailed and look awesome especially the glow on them shown when enemies are launching fireballs and firing weapons. I, myself am not too fond of shooting 2D sprites as I feel like I'm shooting cardboard characters but I do really like those found in DOOM. Another feature I like is the face found on the HUD as it is a unique way of showing how hurt your character is as well as giving you a template for immersion.


 As for the sounds well they were done by the legendary Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails, creators of the likes of: Hurt, Just like you imagined and the Hand that feeds. So, yeah they're pretty good. The first levels music is extremely memorable and even if someone doesn't know the game itself they're most likely to have heard it somewhere.

 The game by itself it is somewhat fun, but obviously most of what it provides has already since been used by recent games in a more polished format as they have had like 20 years to steal ideas from it. What makes it really fun though, are the mods such as Brutal Doom where you can shoot demons full of holes before ripping their heads off with brand new animations and a polished HUD, this is definitely worth getting if you have DOOM as it makes it ridiculously fun when exploring the vast levels

  On top of this you can use the mouse for controls and it removes the Doom Guy's neck brace allowing him to move his neck for the first time in god knows how long, he will appreciate the download of this mod and so will you. Unfortunately, this is a review of DOOM not Brutal Doom so put it back on Doom Guy. No, put the brace back on this is a review about Doom not Brutal Doom. Good boy.

 Should you buy it? This is the part you're most interested in, a quick summary. So here we go, Doom is an ok FPS that is undeniably outdated, it looks good and it has good ideas although the overall feel of the controls are not what I'm looking for. I'd say it is worth a purchase if you're looking for some nostalgia as you can get it in a bundle with it's sequel for £10 on steam, although honestly I'd wait till it's on sale. Definitely recommend you get the Brutal Doom mod as that takes the game-play and the controls, and dials them up to eleven.

"Only Doom dares to dream! All others serve!"--- Doctor "Victor Von" Doom

"Doom" Metal tunes still screaming, driving me insane
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train.

Teenage Mutant Naruto Turtles

Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3

Heroes with a flame spell, Ninja Storm!!!

You should subscribe to this guy, he's pretty good.

  For many aeons humanity hath pondered existence and it's meaning, sending many of it's greatest minds such as Archimedes, Stephen Hawking, Galileo even Monty Python to search for an answer, some have gotten close but not a single soul has found the answer so far. 

  Nor have they found at the answer to questions to equally important questions such as “Which are better, Ninjas or Pirates?”, “Why can't I turn into a giant mutant octopus warrior”, “Is Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 any good?” or more importantly “Why haven't I turned over all my possessions to Calum, who is obviously more suited to hoarding my beloved valuables?”.

But worry not child for I have the power to enlighten you and use it I shall not, although the answers to these questions are as follows:

1. Ninjas are better, pirates have been reduced to fat sweaty nerds living in their parent's basement, jerking to 2D women and lurking across murky websites full of NSFW content.
2. You can't transform into a giant mutant octopus warrior? This is what separates me from you filthy peasants, I've doing it since I was 6 months old. But don't worry however because with this game you can.(pssst.... this is a game review,)
3. This comes later....
4. You are a tight git with no sense of charity but hopefully you will come to your senses sometime after reading this review, Mr.Scrooge.

Power Rangers: Ninja storm~, is a ninja fighting game in which you have to play from a range of ninja characters and fight ninja battles to the ninja death. These ninjas have a variety of ninja tools at their ninja disposal such as ninja sealing tags, ninja smoke bombs and ninja bubble blowers. They also have cool ninja jutsus* that range from blast smalls balls of light to turning into a spiky ninja ball and smashing the ninja ground beneath like some sort of ninja hedgehog.

They also have a blue meter which measures their “not magic” chakra, which allows to pull crazy stunts like turning into a giant mutant OCTOPUS warrior!!!**

Unlike the blocking found in most fighting games, in Ultimate Lumberjack Storm Tres you instead ninja tele-port leaving a block of ninja wood in your ninja wake.

*jutsues, jutsoup, Jutsi?

** I said you could, didn't I?

Furthermore, there are awakenings that transforms your ninja character into a awesome superior not-so ninja form and ultimate jutsu finishers accompanied with unique animations and cut-scenes for that special extra touch ninja badass-ery.

That is a squid. Also wrong game.

The art style will obviously have to look cartoon-ish as it is based of an anime/manga series so not much can be said there, the ninja stages have a fair amount of ninja variety ranging from ninja forests to ninja swamps to ninja temples to ninja villages although I do find the villages a little lacking in life ninjas. The ninja graphics themselves are nice and smooth as a ninja but to be honest fighting games aren't made for excellent graphics, they're generally more about the game-play ninjas.

The soundtrack is pretty damn cool and atmospheric, which is very important I find in fighting games as it sets the mood for the battle. The sound effects themselves are wholly suitable for the artistic style of the game, although some people may find all the grunting off putting.

If you let yourself get swept away in all this over the top mega-ninja action then your gonna have a good time, whether it be knock seven ninjas bells out of noobs online or engaging in some crazy ninja boss battle against a giant flaming fox boss in the story mode.

You've most probably noticed the lack of a mention about a plot so far, (if you haven't skip this paragraph since it was a very descriptive piece of text worthy of the Oscars) that is because I didn't play the story mode and to be honest if I did play it, I most probably wouldn't understand much of it unless I have had prior knowledge of this series before. This is fine, much like other franchise based games, the game is not supposed to teach me all about naruto, that is what the anime is for, it's target audience are naruto fans. So this review is mostly about Ultimate Ninja Storm not as a naruto game but as a fighting game and as a fighting game it plays very well.

All in all I'd have to say that this game is worth the £20 price tag (varies), if not for the ninjas story then for the crazy ninjas fun you'll be getting by beating the crap out of ninja scrubs with your fancy ninja moves before turning into a crazy octopus monster and wiping the floor with the remains of his ninja honor.

Ninjas, ninjas, ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjasninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas ninjas.......

As for my favourite character, I suppose you could call him the BEES KNEES!!!
Hueh, heh, heh, heh.

~ I'm not kidding it is real: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTQBDLGJgjE

Hannibal Rysing

The Dark Centurion-RYSES Son of drone

Have you ever wanted to travel back in time, back to a time of ancient philosophy, when military tactics were mightier than the pen. No? GOOD, you don't want typhoid do you?!!! If you do then go get Total BORE: Groan 2, you frakkin' NERD, what is this the history channel? we don't need your stinking historical accuracy here, you damn hippies!

We're all over this, what we need are pretty visuals and strictly linear game-play along with scripted events, turret segments.

 JUST LIKE MA USED TO MAKE!! 

  Pop it the oven, wait a good 2-3 hours and you're done. One flashy tech demo ready to serve for a single-player campaign, as well as a mediocre multi-player survival mode sprinkled with more helpings of pay to win!!

  In the 3^rd level you ,among other boats, land upon a beach where upon all your allies are shot, fired upon from the cosy fortifications further up the beach. Across the beach you can see people searching for their lost limbs while recovering from the disorientation caused by artillery. An epic scene only made better by the inclusion of the lead role of Bafta nominee Hom Tanks. Sven Squealborg did a number on this one, I tell you this film “Saving Private Rysan” will be a X-Baux office hit.

To fight the enemies (which consists of 7 people CTRL C + CTRL V through out the game) you will mash a varying flurry of light and heavy attacks, once the pain threshold of the enemy has been exceeded, you can perform a quick time event in-which Kratos Marius Titus will promptly execute the enemy in an extremely gory and brutal fashion. After which your space marine Marius Titties will receive a boost in health and fury or focus. This is not the only option though as you can switch between 2 other ones as well consisting of more exp and damage. Yes, there are Testudos in-game but that’s the most you're gonna get tactics wise, otherwise it's a simple case of: Oooh, Ooooooooh!!! Hit them,hit them, hit them with the pointy end!!! Yeah!!! Now smack your shield!!

The game world is pretty, it would be unfair to deny it that better looking than Skyrim (un-modded) and the lighting nothing shy of amazing. The sound assets are well done pretty well, the thuds of the arrows give them the appearance of having real impact. I am especially impressed with the jiggle physics on the barbarians pot bellies and man boobs as they really add another dimension to the whole feel of the game.

I have also noticed the lack of blood in game, which I find mildly irritating, I mean you've been hacking off peoples limbs and the puddles aren't worthy of a leaky pipe never mind an entire arm, what are these swords magic or something, gonna cauterise the wound for the big bad barbarian. I sure hope it doesn't get infected don't want him to go home in a coffin. I feel this may have been done to increase performance or maybe lower the age rating of the game. NOT THAT IT MATTERS, THE GAME IS ALREADY 18+, YOU'RE ALREADY CUTTING OFF PEOPLES LIMBS IT CAN'T GET MUCH WORSE.

 The character variation in the gooks is very lacking, as by the time you have finished this game you'll be able name, shame, describe and recite their war cries to a T.

 Do I like this game? Well it's not bad, it could be better but it's not bad. It's in that grey bland area of mediocrity amongst Calls-field #23: Duty of the shooting and Mine-craft clone #224. It is the Oblivion(Tom Cruise film) of the video game world (name withstanding), a frankenstein made up of the best parts of other games, without all the emotion.

  I don't think this game knows what it wants to be, I feel it wants to be cinematic but it doesn't have much personality, a very cookie cutter story. It is set in historical times but not enough research has gone into it to appeal to history nerds. It may possibly want to be appeal to dudebros but you're playing as freaking Romans, they have no interest in that, they only care about football and Call of Duty.

  Who wants to play as a dumb Roman when across the pond you can see Kratos ripping out Cyclops eyes, Dante volleying enemies with his absurd combos or even space marines tearing Orcs a new one for £8-£15, perhaps I've been spoiled by all these radical titles such as GoreofWar III or Warhammer 40k Space Marine.

 Ironically much like the Roman empire itself the game has spread itself too thin, with it not really specialising in anything. Don't buy it, at least not yet, to me it feels like an over-hyped launch game which was made solely for showing off the systems graphic potential. Save yourself £30 and get a different beat em up game.

BrillZone: ShadowDrawl

KillZone: ShadowFall

"Don't count your owls before they are delivered." - Albus Dumbledore

Kill-zone is a FPS franchise in which you play as a member of “ISA”* that fights against the Helghan administration, under the United Colonial Nations in an intergalactic war.

*Interplanetary Strategic Alliance

Well, the next generation of consoles here and they are now relying on their exclusives to bring in the customers. Up on Sony's bench is Kill-zone: Shadow-fall, can it deliver good game play and story while showing off the PS4's potential? Let's find out!!

How does it look?

The game looks fantastic, from the glowy space guns to the not so nazi nasty bad guys to the atmospheric scenery it is certainly a step in the right direction. The lighting is great, especially in the forest, with enough lens flare to bake Michael Bay.

The sound assets are very well done as they cover everything from the waves crashing on the rocks, to the transition of walking across forest onto stone.

This coupled with the visual effects make the game very immersive.

Game play

The game play of Kill-zone is one that could be considered a generic super soldier FPS although they have added a queer little companion known as the O.W.L. This “owl” will shield you, attack specified targets, stun enemies and create zip-lines for you to traverse the map with, a neat little addition although I never used it unless prompted to and to be honest, it felt less like a game-play component and more like a last minute tacked on side gimmick.

Is it fun?

Yes it is fun, as it lets you play pretend predator with the sonar scanner as you pick off each of the enemies from either a perch opposite the site or the floor below that you accessed through the vents, coupled with the competent A.I., fun times can and will be made .

But what about the story???

To be honest I couldn't pick up on the story at all throughout the time I played this game, perhaps it's because I hadn't played any of the prequels but the game doesn't seem to ease in newcomers to the franchise in my opinion.

Should I Buy?

I would wait a little while for the price to drop as at the moment it costs about £40-£50, that is if you are looking for a fun decent looking shoot 'em up. If you want realism look else
ware and if you want to get a good story out of it play its predecessors first.

Gourd of Ward Tres: Olympian Rhapsody

Olympian Rhapsody

Last of the franchise? or is that just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide. Another escape from poor Hades.
 Pick up your claws, look up-to the gods and see...
 I'm just a poor Spartan, I need no amnesty.
 Because it's easy kill, easy spree.
 Beat them up, QTE.
Anyway the series goes, doesn't really matter to me, to me.

 God of war 3 developed  by Sony Santa Monica, follows the story of revenge-driven Spartan Kratos carrying off from the end of the second game during the titans attempt at defeating the gods perched atop Olympus, it is your job as the crazy mythological monster lawnmower, to protect Gaia from Hades goons and later Posiedon as she scales the mountain at a snails pace.


 The game-play in GOW3 comes in three forms: 

1. The mook mashing - You come around dozens and dozens of weaklings for you to pound into dust with radical over the top combos, thus giving you the official status of bad ass.

2. Boss battles - What is that I see in the background? A tentacle? *whoosh* Suddenly you're fighting a Kraken aboard a ship for superiority, next second you've impaled it on the mast, god damn.

3. Puzzles - Now this isn't the most prominent part of the game, but it does make a good break for between all the mindless goon grinding action and the epicly brutal boss battles.

  God of War 3 did and still has astonishing visuals, that show of fantastic environments of an enormous scale. Much like the previous games it doesn't let up on the blood and gore, showing decapitation and dismemberment all throughout the game.

The sound is spot on, you come in a scrub you exit a GOD-DAMN CHAMPION!!! It makes for exceptionally brilliant boss fights as the orchestra wails in the back ground as you take a beating, just before grabbing their appendage and jamming it right into their heart!

 Is it fun?
     Damn right it is, as-long as you mind continuously fighting the goons along the way, you're in for a good time. If GOW3 was a burger goons would be the buns, puzzles would be the dressing and the boss battles would be the meaty core of the burger. A burger covered in lots of bloody ketchup and mature mustard.

Should you get it?
     If you've got a PS3, then yes! Get it (must be over 18+) as it is a good edition to any library of games you have for the PS3. It only costs about £10-£15 for about 8-10 hours of game-play, a deal in my eyes. I wouldn't however buy a PS3 just to play this game, it's not that good.